The Money to do it right...the sense to say when

This year I feel like I have the money to do Christmas right. I can get everyone nice presents, not the one from Ross Dress for Less that never let me tear the tag off cleanly, exposing their origins Ross Dress for Less. I didn't bargain shop. I am expressing my love at full price. 

I realize how fucked up this sounds. Handmade gifts are just as nice. It's an idea of the sacrifice of time versus money. It's just nice to, for once, have the choice.

For once, I'm the friend who's doing things right. What's this costing me? I lost count. 

But I'm doing it right...until I got to the UPS store this morning. I had forgotten one gift, for my bf's one-year-old, and I had to find it, wrap it, etc. That stalled more than I realized. At UPS, they said that getting it there in time for Christmas would be $65, as opposed to $20 for the Tuesday after Christmas. 

In other words, doing it right would cost $45. My neurotic side, the side that only relaxes, feels high, when things are perfect, said do it. But perfectionism is expensive, and impossible anyway. What am I trying to buy, after all? Sometimes it's fun when Christmas gets dragged out. Just when you think the fun is over, another package arrives. Christmas dessert: -$45.

Payback Time

Christmas is much more fun with money. Not that it should be about money. It should be about love and friendship, and sacrificing some of your money to show someone that you love them and that you appreciate his or her friendship can be a gratifying experience, especially on a chilly day in downtown Seattle, amid the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers, finally feeling like you can be part of the tradition again. Yes, the tradition can be shallow, but if you keep the right spirit of it, it can feel right. 

What a fun feeling, spoiling your loved ones. And also saying: Thanks for hanging in there, through all the times that I had nothing to give. Both my best friends got boxes of Pocky sticks for their birthdays. My best, best friends, for 19 years, Pocky sticks: $2.99. No big deal, I know they don't care. They are there all the same in the hard times, but it's nice to bring them along during your good times, too. To say, when I can, I will celebrate our friendship and love you by spoiling you, the way we all love to be spoiled. 

Monthly Money Check-In: December '11

Oh my stars I just realized I never did my monthly money check in for December. Ooh, we might have enough for a line chart soon! I can see the debt going down.

Monthly Money Check-in
	Type	Account	10/1/11	11/1/11	12/1/11
Short-term stuff	Cash is money too	Cash	$22	$0	$0
	Bank Accounts	Bank of America Checking	$34	$23	$6
		Achieva Checking	$75	$1,287	$1,275
		Achieva Savings	$0	$295	$0
	Credit Card Debt	Bank of America Credit Card	-$1,163	-$1,205	-$1,280
		Student Credit Card	-$435	-$471	$428
	Embarrassing Debt	Mom	-$1,517	-$1,672	-$1,172
		Boyfriend	-$2,150	-$2,050	-$2,125
		TOTAL Short-term stuff	-$5,134	-$3,793	-$2,868
Long-term stuff	Retirement	New York Life	$5,828	$6,311	$6,265
		Edward Jones	$1,000	$1,000	$1,111
	Student Loan	AES	-$14,434	-$14,434	-$14,434
	Big Crazy Debt	Mortgage	-$147,042	-$147,042	-$147,042

 

The HOLIDAY$

When you're a kid, it never occurs to you that Christmas trees cost money. Oh yeah, and lights, and ornaments and stockings. I'm starting from scratch and I'm in the mood to go all-out. I haven't had a real Christmas in years. I'm in love, in a new apartment, and in a city that calls for mittens. 

These are all good things, but let's talk budget. I was reaching for lights when I thought, ok, this can't all come out of my weekly $150. This needs to be separate. So I decided, decorations, presents and all: $500. It seems like a lot, but not once I started chipping away at it. Not once I picked up the Christmas Story Leg Lamp replica with no price tag. $30 was my limit, and of course it was $29.99. 

So far:

Ornaments: $16.40

Half of Christmas tree and stand: $40

Lights, tree skirt, leg lamp: $54

Other Misc: $30

Yipes, we're already at $140. I'm going to organize my Christmas gift list, which must remain confidential.

I've already decided that I'm not going to let the money or stress get me down. Life is good. The holidays are a time to celebrate. I'm merry.

Like a Sociopath but for Money

I won a commission today that will bring in approximately $4,000, for me. I high-fived my boss, did a jig, then realized the truth was that I had no feeling about it at all. 

I sat in the car on the way home and looked for the feeling I knew should have been there. For better or for worse, I don't care about money. 

Until I'm out of it. Until I'm desperate. Then, money is the thing I'll do anything for. I swear -- and mean -- that the next time I get my hands on money, I will not waste it. I will not mess up again. 

Then I get some money, and the importance of this paper slips my mind again. I let it go. I'd rather have almost anything -- a mojito, a pair of heels, lunch with a friend -- than to have this dirty paper or those numbers in my bank account. 

Ok, I acknowledge it. I'm like a sociopath for money. But I still can't let myself treat money like just a tide that flows in and out. I must treat each dollar like a soldier, hang on to my defenses.

Home from Vacation

Why are vacations always followed by a reckoning? I'm up three hours early, still on Eastern time, and I have to look my finances in the eye.

I can tell you exactly where I went off track. Nordstrom Rack. I had $300 budgeted for the week, I was up to spending $227, then my mom and sister want to go to Nordstrom Rack. Ok, this is how women in my family bond: over deals.

I go, and I have no plan. Having no plan seems like my number one problem, in situations big and small. People with impulse issues need plans. They also need cash instead of charge cards.

I find a pair of earrings I love, as in "Gasp! I love these!" love. I find some other jewelry but settle on just those. Then I find them, the perfect boots: $109. Boots are a pre-approved purchase due to the fact that my Converse and Florida ankle socks are not cutting it in the Seattle cold. I obviously have to get these. The earrings...they're already in-hand. I put back some other things I'd been looking at. Will this be taken out of my spending money or my clothing money? I don't know. I just buy it.

Then I walk pretty much blindly through the rest of my vacation, wondering what all the dinners out are costing me, not tweeting my expenses. I currently have three bank accounts, and I let one get to -$3, then -$54, and now -$98.

I still have rent to pay and my mom said she would transfer $500 out of my account but never did. My boyfriend and I went out super hungry last night and somehow ended up at a place that cost $35 just for my dinner. Plus, oh shit, I turn around and it's the holidays. That means gifts, decorations, parties that are all going to cost money.

So I'm up, early, and I figure: You have to stop it at some point. In order to stop rolling down the hill, snow-balling, you have to stomp down your feet, stand up and look where you are, even if it's farther down the hill than you'd like to be. I'll be working in Excel if anyone needs me.

Fun Time Weekend Gets Added Up

We had the wedding of a friend this weekend, in a town in Oregon six hours from Seattle. That means gas, that means hotels and a cheap fast food. I had thought this would be on next week's paycheck, so it took my $150 payment of the loan from my boyfriend.

My bank says I have a balance of $1027, but an available balance of $647. I did not spend $380, but I did spend $280. That's a lot.

Firstly, we realized we were going to be driving through Portland anyway, so we might as well party in Portland, a town known for its food trucks and fun times. We drank, played video games, and had one drink next to a stripper eating nachos. My boyfriend paid for most of our good times. In the morning we ate at this amazing joint named Sugar Mama's where we split a maple bacon cinnamon roll. In short, we had a good time, and I tried to stay on the cheaper side of things, but I wasn't as worried about it as maybe I should have been. I did, however, keep all my receipts.

My boyfriend had deposited $100 in my new bank for me, (long story), so I paid for the hotels and my boyfriend paid for gas so I would pay about $100 more than him and balance out.

Portland Hotel: $130

Small Oregon town hotel: $88+taxes, too lazy/hungover to go to front desk for receipt. Total to come.

Sugar Mama's breakfast: 20.75 (Bf gave me $11, so more like $10 for me.)

I forgot my shoes and had to pick up some cheapies at Payless: $24

On-the-road snackies: $1.99

Return on-the-road snackies: $4.18

McDonalds: $12.76 (Yes, I let myself have it about once a year.)

That doesn't quite add up to $280...maybe my hairdresser deposited her $40 check.

Things are a little up in the air. I switched banks and in the interim,  I've been using checks more, which is not good because then you have the lull period. For example, I have $647 in my bank account, but my rent check still hasn't cleared, which is $638. Yipes.

Monthly Money Check In - November

Ok, so I'm struggling. It's ok, keep getting back on track, back on track.

For example, this morning my cell phone died and hence did not wake me up, hence I did not bring a lunch and had a $9 burrito. My spending money budgeted for this week is no more. I can't spend any money until Friday. Will that actually happen? We'll see.

Also, I forgot that I'm going to Oregon this weekend for a wedding. I thought that was going to be on next week's paycheck. The gas is estimated to be about $134. There goes paying back my boyfriend or mom any money this paycheck.

Anyway, here's the monthly money check-in. Keep in mind that my rent check is about to come out of my bank account - $637. But hey, look, there's money in my savings!

(Other good news is that my stupid, non-paying renters moved out without ripping out all the copper wiring and taking a deuce in every room. And an offer came in on the short sale...for $78,000. Whomp whomp...)

What Money Buys

My boyfriend has been through hell this week, thousands of miles away. As a grandson, he went to go be with family as his grandfather died. As a nurse, he ended up having to practically take over care of his grandfather, as they realized the staff of the hospital was basically incompetent. All week, from so far away, I've been hearing his scratchy-tired, sad voice come over the phone as this man who was so important in his life slipped away, and all I could do was wish I could be closer.

He'll be down for another week until the funeral next Saturday. $500, and I could be there with him.

So, what should I do?

Me and my family, we always vote for the experience. Whether good (vacation) or bad (funeral), we say hey, this is your life, this is your one chance to ____, vs some number in your bank account that floats up and down. In short, we don't care about money. Perhaps this is why we're the broke ones.

Basically, we say, you only live once. Yesterday I went into a tattoo shop fully prepared to get that tattooed like a ghost in white on my forearm. You only live once. This is it. Always lying under the details of life is the fact that one day your family will wake up and you will not be there. I wanted to be reminded, but the tattoo shop said black ink only for text.

You only live once. If you want to be reminded, hear your loved one say his grandfather died this morning. This is it. Relationships. People. Life. 

Five hundred? Five hundred what? What are you giving up so that you can be with this person, make some of the worst days in their life a little better, like you hope they would for you? Oh, 500 of these little papers we made up so that we could trade stuff more easily.

I should be there. Or am I being too dramatic?

He texts me back. "You don't need to. I'll be fine."

Oh, ok.

But I know it's the kind of thing where, if I did go, he would say, "I'm so glad you were here." And I'd say, "Yeah, I know," and I wouldn't be able to imagine not having come.

Oh yeah

Not off the best start, but that's ok...

The oil change was $71 instead of $50. A back light was out that they needed to change, and of course they tried to get me to spend like $130, but I stuck to the minimum. Sorry brother, your birthday present budget has been reduced to $79.

Also, right after I made my budget and closed my computer, I remembered my CSA food boxes ($64 for two weeks), and then I said, "Oh yeah, food!"

I'm going to see how much my wine bar paycheck is tonight and report back.

Here We Go

I got my first full paycheck from my new job: $1,574. In 80 hours over two weeks, I made twice what I made by waitressing 120 hours over a month.

Having a lot of money always means one thing: I'm about to lose a lot of money. I keep freaking out: I'm going to mess this up. I'm going to mess this up. This, I believe, is the opposite of what they call a mantra.  

I was already fantasizing about a trip to the mall when my old co-worker asked if I could cover for her that night at the wine bar. Yes! Even though it's earning just a little money, it's still the opposite of spending money. None of this paycheck is mine anyway. It belongs to my mom and my boyfriend and Visa. 

I will not mess this up. I'm learning about the power of small habits to lead to big trends in your life. If you make every day a microcosm for how you want your life to be, those days will multiply into the life you want. It's worked for me and exercise. "If I can just go today..." 

Aristotle said: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” This is also how we become fuck ups. 

So can I just not fuck up this one paycheck? There is always just this question: Can I do this right, right now? 

Jeri says "First thing's first". So here's what I need to spend money on:

• My computer: I have never backed up my computer and, as a writer, it's full of my inventory. It's a ticking time bomb. I have an appointment at the Apple store Monday and I expect this might run me about $200 to do most of what I need to get it better after 5 years of abuse. It might take a few trips, a few paychecks to upgrade it fully.
• Work clothes: I need them, especially now that the weather's turning cold. I'm giving myself $100.
• An oil change: Budgeting $50, should be less. 
• Savings: I transferred $300 to my savings. I also might need this as a down payment on a lawyer to evict my tenants.
• Spending money: $150 a week for walking around money. Adds up to $300.
• Gas: Spent $50 yesterday, should save $50 for next week. 
• Mom: She needs to be paid for the cell phone. Five months behind = $225.
• I've been too broke to buy my brother a birthday present for years and it was my niece's birthday too: $100
• I should at least give my boyfriend back some money: $200
• Have a credit card payment due. I've decided to pay back my personal loans before my credit cards, even though a friend says, "Pay your mom last": $20

Ok, that adds up to $1,595. I'm also getting a tiny paycheck from the wine bar today so I can cover that extra. All I have to do is not fuck up this one paycheck, and maybe there's hope...

I'm back

Forgive me reader, for I have sinned. I fell off the bandwagon. I did not report in my spending via Twitter. (Though I really meant to, I swear it.)

The weekend started off with excuses. My boyfriend had to go out of town on a family emergency, so we decided to go to dinner. Let's go somewhere nice, I said, and split it. I spent $36 on dinner just for me. The next day I ran errands, which means I went down the street sprinkling money into various establishments. I stopped in to say hi to my bartender friend, which means I drank a beer. I went to a free show and ended up spending $30 on wine and cheese. I went to a friend's art show and told her I wanted that one and that one and that one, total $75. 

So I made myself waitress tonight, when my old boss called and asked if I wanted to pick up a shift. My penitence. But then I got a sandwich. My friend came in and got two glasses of wine and I brought her some olives. I didn't add it up. I don't know if I made or lost money working tonight.

I talked to my old friend and he asked me how much I'm making at my new job. I told him because we have that kind of friendship, plus I've already written it on the internet. He was pretty amazed. We made $26,000 a year together not too long ago. I say yeah, I know, crazy. I said I've got to save up for grad school or something. He said: No, you won't. You're just not... the savey type.

The Damage, the Clean-up Plan

 I got my first paycheck today. I just worked 3 days on the first pay period, but it was almost as much as my bi-weekly paycheck from the wine bar. I'm determined to pay my rent. My boyfriend says, don't worry about it, that I can pay him when I can. 

I can now, it just means being as broke as I've been. But that's what I need to be doing, pretending to still be broke. Although I'm dying to shop at an actual clothing store, not a second-hand store, among other niceties, I have so much damage to undo. Although I'm dying to have clothes that aren't too small, because someone else gave them to me, shirts that I have to keep pulling back over my muffin tops and down my wrists, I have to stay strong. I've been broke for more than a year, and the emergencies have gone on the mom account. My boyfriend paid for us to move in to our apartment, and I was shocked when I added up how much I have to repay. 

The trick for the next, oh, probably three months is going to be this: pretend I'm as broke as I have been over the last year. I started today while I was looking for work clothes (which I legitimately need). I found a shirt I liked, a going-out shirt. It made me look cute and shiny. $8. I said nope. Not on payday. If I still have spending money two weeks from now, then maybe. But, according to my calculations, I have $183 until next payday (with the addition of my last wine bar paycheck next Friday, which I'm guessing will be at most $100).

Monthly Money Check-in
	Type	Account	10/1/11
Short-term stuff	Cash is money too	Cash	$22	- I always see cash as money that broke free and gets to run wild. Not true.
	Bank Accounts	Bank of America Checking	$34	- This is my main checking
		Achieva Checking	$75	- This is another bank account I have from back home. Direct access for mom deposits.
	Credit Card Debt	Bank of America Credit Card	-$1,163	- The big credit card
		Student Credit Card	-$435	- The little credit card I've had for 10 years. I was going to pay it off right after summer…
	Embarrassing Debt	Mom	-$1,517	- With this week's $650 plane ticket home for thanksgiving, we're in the three digits again
		Boyfriend	-$2,150	- Holy fuck how did that happen?
		TOTAL	-$5,156
Long-term stuff	Retirement	New York Life	$5,828	- This is the only thing I do right, financially. I need more accounts with laws against withdrawing.
		Edward Jones	$1,000	- Another little retirement fund from my college job.
	Student Loan	AES	-$14,434	- College… worth every penny
	Big Crazy Debt	Mortgage	-$145,000	- My house debt. I can't even think about this or I'll lose all hope.

Can't Buy Me Life

"The objects of the world act as intoxicants. Money is opium. Man to woman, and woman to man, is wine. Position is Ganja. Power is brandy. Landed property is champagne."

-Sri Swami Sivananda

Last week I moved to a new apartment and started a new job. There you go, here's a life.

I took over an apartment from a friend who had lots of nice things. She moved to Asia. Now I have lots of nice things. Someone who came over left two drips of red wine on my white table, which isn't even technically one of my nice things. It's a door on two crates. All the same, I leapt across the table to clean it. These friends have been back from Peace Corps for only a few weeks. Can you tell I've been back a year?

I told my friend I was getting sucked in to the materialism. Especially working at a place frequented by people who can afford to drop $80 a night on wine and cheese, I have a desire for crisper clothes, a nicer haircut, shoes that aren't splattered.

Now I'm going to have money. Soon. I'm going to be making a lot of money. A lot of money for me. A lot of money for the world.

I just Googled "average world salary", and this is what I found. You put in your salary and it tells you if you're rich or not. After hitting Enter, I stared with my mouth open for a while.

I don't feel like I'm there. I feel somewhere toward the left. Our poor little monkey brains. We have no way of truly appreciating that we are rich. I bet if we put pictures of starving Africans on billboards instead of Calvin Klein models, we'd all appreciate life more.

"The ego wants to want more than it wants to have." Eckhart Tolle wrote that. No matter what you get, you'll still want more.

I have this opportunity, in the form of this money. Don't fuck it up, I say to myself, which somehow seems the surest sign that I will fuck it up.

My friend some Peace Corps, in whom I confided that I'm being sucked in to the materialism, said to me, "My two years in Peace Corps were the happiest two years of my life, and I had the same clothes the whole time." I'm trying to remember that. They were mine too. 

This Panic, Is Why

Whenever I get my hands on money, I let it slip through my fingers. No more excuses, and this is why. 

This panic, rock-hard in my chest. 

My renters called. There's a leak in the house. A pipe leak. I'm 3,000 miles away. I'm $300 in the bank. I called a plumber, but if they call me back and say anything more than 300, I literally don't know what I'm going to do. I can't pay in tears. 

Why do I forget this panic so easily, as soon as I have some money? This is an emergency, without an emergency fund. I looked up my credit card, and I have $44 worth of space. I tried to increase my credit limit, putting in the annual income of my new job. $50,000. 

$50,000. More than I've ever made in my life. A number that already has me saying, I have money, I'm fine. I will have money, if I'm careful. If I don't do what I've always done. Already a month and a half of my new income is owed to others. I'm already dreaming of new clothes, nice meals, nice things in my new apartment, when I have Christmas travel coming up and a lot of saving to do.

I need to remember my dream I'm having right now, of not having this heavy rock weighing me down. The dream of the comfort of living within my means. Remember, for the love, remember.

Crisis Mode, How to Change Apartments and Jobs

I've had all week off as the owners of my wine bar got married in a lavish, beautiful, 3-day wedding. As always after a vacation, I feel a panic. I have no idea how the next month is going to work. As usual during these panic situations, I've had my head in the sand, acting like everything is ok.

Looking back, I realize I spent about $200 on just clothes and jewelry for this wedding. Yipes.

I'm moving into this apartment and my boyfriend is already going to have to front the first, last and deposit. Then we owe rent again on the first. My next paycheck is probably going to be about $40 with all this time off. I start my new job on the 21st, but I probably won't get paid for that until God knows when. It's my sister's birthday, and once again, I can't really afford to get a gift for someone I love.

What to do? My thoughts turn to the bank of Mom.

This is what I need to replace with an emergency fund. Instead of running to my mom, I need my own cash flow to grease the wheels of life's changes. I'm just waiting to ask her. She won't say no, but what if she did? I'd be f'ed.

Holy Crap, I got a job (And the Books that Helped Me Get Hired)

After dozens of cover letters, after all the different versions of my resume, after all the Craigslist hunting, I actually got a job. I've been looking for 5 months.

In my desperation, I got cheesy. I went to the library, found out what color my parachute was, checked out all the career books. They gave me hope.

How I finally got my job was through a staffing agency. But these books gave me the knowledge to hone in my search and do it right...after doing it wrong for a long time.

The Overnight Resume: Great tips on getting your resume to look better than everyone else's.

The Six Reasons You'll Get the Job: A great book to help you view yourself from the employer's eye.

The Next-Day Job Interview: I felt so much more confident in the interview after reviewing this book not just the night before, but for three days. I felt like a rock star and hence rocked the interview.

The best part was returning them all to the library after I didn't need them anymore.

Feeling Luxury

The day started at Nordstrom. The mission: one strapless bra. For you men out there, a cheap strapless bra feels like a vice grip on your ribs, falling slowly all night while you try to dance.

To buy cheap or to buy quality. That is the question. I saw in Peace Corps as the locals were forced to buy stuff Made in China that only looked like the American version. It broke in two weeks, everything half-rigged. Everything bought twice.

“You just have to get an $80 one,” a trusted friend said. Could it be that by spending money, you save money?

My fashion go-to sister-in-law suggested going to Nordstrom first, at least to get fitted. I have a gift certificate there. The nice girl named Kathleen asked me my name, measured my boobies, brought me bras by Chantelle and Calvin Klein. The Chantelle one ($85 with tax) felt like an anti-gravity device, floating around me. Ah, yes, this is what $80 buys you. The Calvins were not as nice. I put the Chantelle on hold.

Then we went to Nordstrom Rack. No one asked my name. We went to a basement room with racks to be picked over like the corpse of last year’s fashions. I found a Calvin bra, originally $40, now just $18. It was ok, better than normal. It felt a little like the vice on my ribs, but better than the flimsy black thing I had at home that I swore I’d never wear again.

Lastly we tried Ross. Clothes shoved on racks. Fallen clothes lying on the floor. Crying babies. We were greeted on the way in by the stares of the uniformed Loss Prevention Officers. I missed Kathleen.

I ended up with the $18 Calvin. I tried it on for a test run before the wedding I planned to wear it to. I was walking around the house with it on, and I realized: I don't want to feel like this. Whatever experience you're having, overlayed with the grip of this thing around you. I took it off and breathed a sigh of relief. It had only been 15 minutes. Maybe they'll take it back.

An Offer You Can't Refuse

If you were to ask me if I could afford a scooter right now, the answer would obviously be: No way.

But...

My friend who is moving away and has this sweet Vespa, which she offered to sell me for $300. (She's the one who's also passing on her sweet apartment.)

I've always wanted a scooty scoot. My best friends had them in college, but I was always too broke. Did I mention that this one matches my seafoam green Converse?

My sister was just talking to me about this trip to Europe. If you asked if she could afford it, she'd be the first to tell you: probably not.

But...

She has this friend who has a free place to stay.

Sometimes, someone makes you an offer you can't refuse. If it's something you've always wanted, if you could never get that kind of deal on it again, and you know you want it some day anyway, I say go for it.

But...

There is this thing called actual cost of ownership. I have never in my life actually calculated it. Hence after rolling nickels to get my first car, I drove around for three months until I could afford the tags, then for six months before I could afford insurance. 

So, as part of my Money Rehab, I'm finding out how much this Vespa will actually cost me. To Excel...

Cost of Scooty scoot	$300
Annual motorcycle registration fee:	$43.75
Annual insurance:	$99
Motorcycle instruction permit:	$15
Original motorcycle endorsement:	$25
New license:	$7.72
TOTAL:	$490

So, $500 for something I've always wanted, something that will save me time, something that could be an investment if I put money into fixing it up. I think that's worth it.

Nobody Wants You: Welcome to Bad Credit

My first memory of credit problems goes something like this: I'm sitting on the floor of our house on the water, with the pool. This was probably third grade, because that's when the shit hit the fan. My dad got laid off, and the five of us were suddenly luxury living -- boat, wave runner, Cadillac -- on my mom's not-so-luxury teacher's salary.

We would not recover from the crisis until about 10 years later.

I'm watching my big, strong dad on the phone. Mean people have been calling, asking for my parents. My dad is talking to somebody, and by now I know things are really not good. He's on the phone, and I hear him say, "Yes...please."

He says it in a voice no father would want their daughter to hear, soft and vulnerable. Even I could sense the desperation.

Credit followed us wherever we went. I knew my family had bad credit before I really knew what bad credit was. Now I know that credit is a score in the game of how the world sees you. It's a label that determines how people treat you. It's a label that makes it hard to remember who you are.

"Do you see how these credit card company screw you?" my mom would say later, once she learned to read the fine print. She would bring me over a credit card application, line her manicured fingernail up to the tiny text. "See the interest you have to pay if you have bad credit, or miss just one payment?" It was over 20%.

I swore to myself I would not be one of those people, someone embarrassed any time a credit check was mentioned. And I wasn't, I paid my bills on time. Keeping my credit score up was one of the few financial things I did right. This was up until three months ago, when I stopped paying my mortgage and began the short sale process.

Now, my boyfriend and I are trying to get the apartment of our good friends who are moving. He just talked to their landlord. To her, it doesn't matter that her tenants have known us for 15 years. It doesn't matter that for the first 10 years of my adult life, I had great credit. It doesn't matter that I was in the Peace Corps or that my boyfriend makes four times the rent by himself every month. It doesn't matter that I'm one of thousands of people whose houses got slashed in value by half. That number that is us, that score, well it's now standing in the way of a life I want.

Also, I got another denial from the credit card company, Chase. I won't try again. I get it, I'm on my own. Maybe it will be good for me.

Running Wild in Hopelessness...Time to Rein Myself in

Ok, I can feel myself falling apart. Here you are self, falling off the wagon. Stop it. 

I just went back and totaled up from my Twitter feed all the unnecessary purchases: $101.51. Damn.

I get a little more cash than usual in my tip envelope at work, and it starts. $40! $40 is all it takes to set me wild. All week it's been a drink here, drink there. Food at work. Just one drink after work. I wanted lunch one day and instead of going out I went to the grocery store...only to get sushi for $10 there that ended up tasting like crap. 

I feel something else too: Hopeless. I don't know how the next month, the next year are going to work out. It's hard to resist getting a coke for $2.25 when I owe $145,000 on a house that's worth $100,000, and even if I short sell it I could owe $11,000 in taxes on this "investment" property. I'm trying to move into a place that's going to be $2,000 to move in to, and I can barely pay a $149 doctor bill right now. My wine bar is going to be closed for a full week in September, meaning I'm going to have another $250 paycheck right when I need money the most. 

There it is, that welling behind the eyes. I want to cry, bury my head in the dirt and just wing it for the next month. I know where this is going...to NSF charges and a crying phone call to my mom. Well, she can't save me anymore. I have to grow up. I have to realize that this is all math, dammit. Money is not a slippery snake I can't hold on to. A dollar is a dollar and this week they added up to $100 gone for little to no reason. Fuck it if my house investment failed. That will turn out how it turns out. What's true right now is that I can't afford to drink coke at work. I can't afford to drink a glass of wine after my shift. I can't afford to meet up with my boyfriend every time he's out. Now, self, start acting like it.

Gift Certificate FAIL

I had been holding onto a birthday gift certificate to one of my favorite stores, so that I could really think about exactly what I needed, instead of going in there all impulsively. Sephora is a makeup shop, another one of my meth dens, where at any time I could wake up to find myself penniless in a pile of used makeup remover pads, sleeping on a pillow of shiny new eyeshadows. 

I thought I had a plan when I went in. I needed a top coat of nail polish, because my toe nails are looking funky and taking care of myself is a good way to feel better during these times. I also needed a new eyeshadow for the crease of my lids, as mine in running out. 

I admit, I thought maybe I could go $5 or $6 over the card if I needed to. I grabbed the nail polish, and didn't see the price. I saw some $40 tweezers that made me laugh out loud. I talked to a makeup artist and didn't buy the brushes or the primer she recommended. I just got two shades. I vaguely added them up in my head to the sum of "I should be fine." 

Then at the cash register, a total of $36.68, for this: 

Above and beyond my card, $16.68. 

What have we learned today? Always know the price of everything you are buying, and add it up with the calculator in your phone, not in your head. 

And don't go into Sephora.

Nice Try

Since my credit limit has been slashed by Bank of America and I have no emergency fund, I thought it best to try and get another credit card, just in case. I also thought it best to do this before my credit score goes in the dumper when the situation with my underwater mortgaged house comes to a head.

I see a lot of Alaska Airlines cards come through at work, and I hear they have great benefits, so I thought I'd give them a try. I filled out the online application. Then I get this letter, and realize that I'm an idiot. 

Yeah, note the Bank of America logo. Of course they're denying my application. I was asking the very same people who just told me they wouldn't give me credit for more credit. I'm an idiot.

Outsource Your Brain: Excel Can Help You with Your Skills

Looking at the next two skills on that list of 101 I should have:

4. List your monthly expenses

5. See all of your accounts in one place

This makes me think of Excel. In college, I took three personal software classes to get out of taking a foreign language class, and they have been, by far, the most useful classes I have ever taken. I can tell you that if you are scatter-brained, learning Excel is the best thing you can do for your money rehab. It's like outsourcing your brain.

Excel is like the mind of those of the Money Gifted variety. It can add up large numbers, just knows when your bills are coming in, and can help you see the big picture. 

Basic Excel: You double-click, you enter text or number, you hit enter. Booyah. At the very least, you can organize facts into a grid. 

There are a gazillion videos to learn Excel. It is highly recommended that those suffering from money issues use it, or some other money software, on their way to money rehab. 

My Budget book: I made a checkbook page that, as a money idiot, I abandoned on 3/3.

Oh, back when I had a nice, largish paycheck (that yes, I voluntarily left to move to Seattle). Oh, back when I had a fourth digit in my bank account. Oh man, I just realized Taco Bell is on there. How embarrassing.  

Bills: There's one sheet I'm actually still using. I've put this up before. It's got all my bills, organized by the date I have to pay it online or the date it will come out of my account automatically, which I hate, but some places won't do anything but automatic withdrawal. 

The old budget: I still haven't deleted the budget I made when I was making better money. Oh Jeez, I even made a pie chart. I even had a saving for surprises and an emergency fund. This looks a whole lot like Step 2.

Yeah, that lasted about two seconds. 

Retirement: Then there's my retirement page. The one thing I've done right financially is contribute to my 401(k). This, we see, was last updated last December. I had, emphasis on the past tense, about seven grand, and a plan to have $10,000 in there by the age of 30, if I kept putting $134 in there every month. With the S&P downgrade debacle, plus now working a job with no benefits, this plan is on hold. I don't even want to look at what it's worth now.

The Embarrassing Debt: This sheet is called Paying Back Mom. Late April was the last time my mom saw anything coming back her way. After my second job waiting tables, I would come in and hand over all my cash. It felt good. This remaining debt of $567 is about a third of what it was, but it still hangs over my head.

So, now I will take this Excel book and actually update and use it. I'll see if I can get skills #4 and #5 accomplished.