Like a Sociopath but for Money

I won a commission today that will bring in approximately $4,000, for me. I high-fived my boss, did a jig, then realized the truth was that I had no feeling about it at all. 

I sat in the car on the way home and looked for the feeling I knew should have been there. For better or for worse, I don't care about money. 

Until I'm out of it. Until I'm desperate. Then, money is the thing I'll do anything for. I swear -- and mean -- that the next time I get my hands on money, I will not waste it. I will not mess up again. 

Then I get some money, and the importance of this paper slips my mind again. I let it go. I'd rather have almost anything -- a mojito, a pair of heels, lunch with a friend -- than to have this dirty paper or those numbers in my bank account. 

Ok, I acknowledge it. I'm like a sociopath for money. But I still can't let myself treat money like just a tide that flows in and out. I must treat each dollar like a soldier, hang on to my defenses.

Home from Vacation

Why are vacations always followed by a reckoning? I'm up three hours early, still on Eastern time, and I have to look my finances in the eye.

I can tell you exactly where I went off track. Nordstrom Rack. I had $300 budgeted for the week, I was up to spending $227, then my mom and sister want to go to Nordstrom Rack. Ok, this is how women in my family bond: over deals.

I go, and I have no plan. Having no plan seems like my number one problem, in situations big and small. People with impulse issues need plans. They also need cash instead of charge cards.

I find a pair of earrings I love, as in "Gasp! I love these!" love. I find some other jewelry but settle on just those. Then I find them, the perfect boots: $109. Boots are a pre-approved purchase due to the fact that my Converse and Florida ankle socks are not cutting it in the Seattle cold. I obviously have to get these. The earrings...they're already in-hand. I put back some other things I'd been looking at. Will this be taken out of my spending money or my clothing money? I don't know. I just buy it.

Then I walk pretty much blindly through the rest of my vacation, wondering what all the dinners out are costing me, not tweeting my expenses. I currently have three bank accounts, and I let one get to -$3, then -$54, and now -$98.

I still have rent to pay and my mom said she would transfer $500 out of my account but never did. My boyfriend and I went out super hungry last night and somehow ended up at a place that cost $35 just for my dinner. Plus, oh shit, I turn around and it's the holidays. That means gifts, decorations, parties that are all going to cost money.

So I'm up, early, and I figure: You have to stop it at some point. In order to stop rolling down the hill, snow-balling, you have to stomp down your feet, stand up and look where you are, even if it's farther down the hill than you'd like to be. I'll be working in Excel if anyone needs me.

Fun Time Weekend Gets Added Up

We had the wedding of a friend this weekend, in a town in Oregon six hours from Seattle. That means gas, that means hotels and a cheap fast food. I had thought this would be on next week's paycheck, so it took my $150 payment of the loan from my boyfriend.

My bank says I have a balance of $1027, but an available balance of $647. I did not spend $380, but I did spend $280. That's a lot.

Firstly, we realized we were going to be driving through Portland anyway, so we might as well party in Portland, a town known for its food trucks and fun times. We drank, played video games, and had one drink next to a stripper eating nachos. My boyfriend paid for most of our good times. In the morning we ate at this amazing joint named Sugar Mama's where we split a maple bacon cinnamon roll. In short, we had a good time, and I tried to stay on the cheaper side of things, but I wasn't as worried about it as maybe I should have been. I did, however, keep all my receipts.

My boyfriend had deposited $100 in my new bank for me, (long story), so I paid for the hotels and my boyfriend paid for gas so I would pay about $100 more than him and balance out.

Portland Hotel: $130

Small Oregon town hotel: $88+taxes, too lazy/hungover to go to front desk for receipt. Total to come.

Sugar Mama's breakfast: 20.75 (Bf gave me $11, so more like $10 for me.)

I forgot my shoes and had to pick up some cheapies at Payless: $24

On-the-road snackies: $1.99

Return on-the-road snackies: $4.18

McDonalds: $12.76 (Yes, I let myself have it about once a year.)

That doesn't quite add up to $280...maybe my hairdresser deposited her $40 check.

Things are a little up in the air. I switched banks and in the interim,  I've been using checks more, which is not good because then you have the lull period. For example, I have $647 in my bank account, but my rent check still hasn't cleared, which is $638. Yipes.

Monthly Money Check In - November

Ok, so I'm struggling. It's ok, keep getting back on track, back on track.

For example, this morning my cell phone died and hence did not wake me up, hence I did not bring a lunch and had a $9 burrito. My spending money budgeted for this week is no more. I can't spend any money until Friday. Will that actually happen? We'll see.

Also, I forgot that I'm going to Oregon this weekend for a wedding. I thought that was going to be on next week's paycheck. The gas is estimated to be about $134. There goes paying back my boyfriend or mom any money this paycheck.

Anyway, here's the monthly money check-in. Keep in mind that my rent check is about to come out of my bank account - $637. But hey, look, there's money in my savings!

(Other good news is that my stupid, non-paying renters moved out without ripping out all the copper wiring and taking a deuce in every room. And an offer came in on the short sale...for $78,000. Whomp whomp...)