Running Wild in Hopelessness...Time to Rein Myself in

Ok, I can feel myself falling apart. Here you are self, falling off the wagon. Stop it. 

I just went back and totaled up from my Twitter feed all the unnecessary purchases: $101.51. Damn.

I get a little more cash than usual in my tip envelope at work, and it starts. $40! $40 is all it takes to set me wild. All week it's been a drink here, drink there. Food at work. Just one drink after work. I wanted lunch one day and instead of going out I went to the grocery store...only to get sushi for $10 there that ended up tasting like crap. 

I feel something else too: Hopeless. I don't know how the next month, the next year are going to work out. It's hard to resist getting a coke for $2.25 when I owe $145,000 on a house that's worth $100,000, and even if I short sell it I could owe $11,000 in taxes on this "investment" property. I'm trying to move into a place that's going to be $2,000 to move in to, and I can barely pay a $149 doctor bill right now. My wine bar is going to be closed for a full week in September, meaning I'm going to have another $250 paycheck right when I need money the most. 

There it is, that welling behind the eyes. I want to cry, bury my head in the dirt and just wing it for the next month. I know where this is going...to NSF charges and a crying phone call to my mom. Well, she can't save me anymore. I have to grow up. I have to realize that this is all math, dammit. Money is not a slippery snake I can't hold on to. A dollar is a dollar and this week they added up to $100 gone for little to no reason. Fuck it if my house investment failed. That will turn out how it turns out. What's true right now is that I can't afford to drink coke at work. I can't afford to drink a glass of wine after my shift. I can't afford to meet up with my boyfriend every time he's out. Now, self, start acting like it.