Oops did I spend $50 today?

You know when you commit to doing something, and then right in the middle you realize it's going to cost you twice as much as you thought it would?

God forbid we look cheap, right? Rather than say, "Hey guys, this is getting a little expensive," we'd whip out a credit card. "What's another $50 on there, anyway, right?"

That kind of happened today. We were going to have a crab bake. Eating at home. Hooray. Cheaper option, right? Maybe just $20?

Well, we get the crab, and it's nearly $20 a crab. There's $55 on my card, and my friend gives me $20 for his. I get my boyfriend's. We go back and forth on expenses, but honestly most go forth to him. I'm a waitress right now. 

Notice I don't want to say: "I'm a waitress." Period. I instead say: "Right now," as in: This isn't who I really am. As in: I'll get back on my feet some day, and I will feel like a worthy human again.

Back at the crab bake, we don't have a stock pot big enough. I look for one at the store: $45. I fantasized for a bit about it being worth it because think of all the wonderful stews and soups I could make in the winter. Then back to reality. When the hell am I ever going to cook soup for 15 people? I've maybe cooked soup 5 times in my life before.

We go thrift store shopping. For cooking ware. Gross, right? This is what you have to do, because you're terrible with money and you've put yourself in a hole and you can't just spend $45 on a crock pot.

The used pot is $12.75 plus tax, with a spout, some rust spots and pictures of clams on it. I wash it twice and am glad I have it. Maybe I'll cook clams for 15 one day. 

I went for the cheaper option, yes, but all in all I spent about $50 today, counting that vanilla latte and muffin I had this morning. $6.88. 

I'm trying to live off of $100 of spending money a week, not counting groceries. I can't be having $50 days.

But it felt like a special day. The friends we had lunch with are moving soon, I hadn't had crabs in years, and it's my birthday this week. Or is it maybe that I'm always just full of excuses about why, just this time, I get to splurge?